THE INTERNSHIP DILEMMA AND FINDING THE ANSWER

Inside my closet, I could be anything..
a writer .. a poet .. a singer .. an artist .. a scientist .. a dreamer .. designer .. photographer ... I can go on and on .. literally anything!! this is my place .. my rules.
But after all, I'm only a person who spells out what's been inside me. In a way that would help me find salvation .. serenity .. and peace of mind.

lately - and I think in the upcoming few months too, but hopefully not - my mind was in complete perplexities and chaos. All that because of the internship and what I'm gonna be doing after I graduate from med school in sha'a Allah.

 

should I go with Surgery? but I can't bare standing on my feet for long hours. my legs are too precious to me to risk developing varicose veins in a young age. Although I believe I got the skills for it.


 







Medicine on the other hand, I find it a field full of challenges and interesting things. I'm almost certain that I'd find what I'm looking for to fill my ambitions, expectations and hopes in it, but it's also a very consuming specialty. Do I wanna spend my whole life doing the same thing everyday? full-minded and worried all the time? is it gonna be O.K. with me to lose my gorgeous hair and look like Panda in return?!! Am I ready to sacrifice my thriving social life that I've been working on away from medicine and finally I'm seeing the results I was hoping for? it's truly a paralyzing dilemma.

I also had put in mind the possibility of not getting into what I want for not being accepted - la sama7 Allah - or for any other reason - like lacking vitamin "W" or "و". I'm thinking like that so I can be prepared and not feeling completely devastated by that time. And to use this time in creating back up plans afterwards.
one moment it feels like every thing is clear .. and the other moment I feel utterly lost and choked.
But I'm telling you for sure: OB\Gyn and Pediatrics are absolutely off-limits. Because I simply don't like them.


so I sat down .. quite .. in solitude .. and gone thinking and meditating. I was thinking about what my friend Hanan said that day: "Allah akbar was6a!" .. and all of a sudden .. I started singing..

would you live your life..
always wondering..
every moment .. every second .. always struggling..
if I've ever done this .. or ever done that..
would I be happy .. would I be sad..
all what you need is .. faith and believing..
and you're gonna have everything you've been seeking..


tell me who knows you better than you do?..
tell me who can see the real you?..
look inside .. feel your heart .. ask your mind..
it's clear .. you will find..
you're the true star to guide you through..


life can be tough and freezing cold..
and can make it hard to dig your gold..
remember .. you're not alone..
your friends are always gonna be there for you..
your family will always help you shine and glow..
you just gotta believe .. have faith ..
and trust that God is always there for you ... whenever you need..


you matter when you believe you do..
everything you do makes the minds blow..
whether it's huge .. simple .. or tiny small..
deep down inside of you..
you're unique .. you're special because you know..


believe .. have faith..
work hard .. don't feel beneath..
draw your own path to your dreams..
never give up as long as your heart beats..
shadows must turn into rainbows and brighten your days..
so keep smiling .. God is always there to reward your deeds..


somehow, that calmed me down and tamed my anxiety. Helped me thinking clearly and narrowing my options into 2 things .. for now. So I'm gonna be focusing on these two and spending every effort I got to make it into one of them in sha'a Allah.

SIXTH YEAR ..FINALLY!

Hello my friends. I know maybe it's a bit late to write this post. I mean it's been almost two months since I started my last year in med school. It's exciting and frightening in the same time. the idea of becoming real life doctors and taking responsibilities of saving human lives gives me palpitation.
This post was late simply because I'm a lazy a** girl. Plus I may got a bit occupied coz I was trying to keep up with my school life. You know the part of my life where I have to study the surgery topics that I'm seeing every day in the rounds, clinics and to prepare for the tutorials and also studying the lecture topics. Not to mention preparing as much as I can of the team cases so I can present what I can during the rounds. And then writing them down to put them later in the log book that have to be submitted before the 18-week-course ends. seems alot, but it's still nothing compared to what we're gonna face when we graduate.

General surgery is fun. But I think I'm not that interested. I can't handle hours and hours of standing on my feet. I can barely stand on them during the rounds let along looong surgeries! Although I'm gonna miss it when we switch to medicine next term.
The course includes two exams: a mid term exam that is composed of two parts: a written and an inactive OSCE part. And later we have the final exam of course.

So I'm supposed to go to Taif with my family for the annual Eid's gathering. But the thing is that I'm having these thoughts about not going and staying at home to study for my mid term which is about one and a half week from now. And that because I haven't been studying so well in the past few days!! I was planning on studying during the Haj break which has started just a week ago. But kept postponing & telling my self that I still have time. Though, I have opened the book several times trying to study a complete topic but I always get distracted or fell asleep so quickly. so I decided to go over the easy ones to make a progress, but once I get the feeling that I have the slightest clue about the subject, I slow down and then give my self a looong break. So you can imagine how I am feeling right now. The guilt is eating me inside out but I can't or I don't wanna do anything about it!! Which is worrying me. I have never been like this before. I've always been an excellent student who never wasted a second without studying. But since last year, I started to feel numb and apathy has been accompanying me since then. I don't know why or how but this doesn't feel normal and it's really worrying me.
I love living the Eid's spirit with my family. Taking anything destructing and depressing out of my mind and enjoying and cherishing every single moment of pure happiness. It always brings joy to my heart. But now in my condition I'm really confused! So what do you think I should do my friends?

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TWO WEEKS IN HEAVEN!

I woke up today .. in the afternoon .. I realized this is the longest sleep I've ever had in the last 4 weeks .. I also realized that the last thing I was doing before I close my eyes - and even after - was crying !!

let me tell u a story .. actually it's not a story, it's much more like rants and memories that I wont ever forget.  Moments of pure happiness and joy that I never know when will I ever have them again.  And what makes it even harder on me, is that I can't let them go .. I can't accept the fact that they have ended ... I just .. can't bear that!!

The last two weeks I had an elective course with Dr."S.W" who happens to be a pulmonologist, which is a sub-speciality in medicine.  Those two weeks were the most amazing, beneficial, happiest, refreshing, satisfying, spontaneous and heart warming two weeks I've ever had in my entire career .. no .. in MY ENTIRE LIFE !!!! TWO WEEKS IN HEAVEN if I may say!

I never thought when I wrote down Dr."S.W's" name on the elective paper that I was actually writing the beginning of a life journey .. a breaking point to be more accurate.  All what I had in mind that the elective course must be light an easy with no pressures and the doctor is a sweet kind one who'll be teaching us medicine all the way.  Guess what? I had all that .. plus MORE!!

For the first time during the past five years in medical school I feel like I strongly belong to this .. this is my thing .. this is exactly what I wanna be .. I want to learn because "I" want to .. I don't mind staying up late just to study a topic or two or to prepare for a presentation because I am deeply enjoying doing that!

I also gained new friends.  Wonderful friends whom I looked and still looking forward to meet everyday to brighten up my day whenever I see their faces.  We did everything together and for each other.  We were honest, supporting, encouraging, never selfish and handled things professionally without making that getting in the way of our friendship. although they were only two weeks, but I warmed up to them .. no .. I LOVED them!  They are true friends that any one would be lucky to have them around. and for that, I'll always be grateful to God for having "trapped" and "W" in my life and of course all my other friends. =) XOXO

I'm also happy that I made friends with the resident and the two interns who were with us.  They were so kind to us and treated us like their own lil sisters.  They were excellent ma sha'a Allah and very efficient, cooperative and caring.  One of them just sent me a message today saying in it:

"plz pass it to your friends, coz ma 3endy argamkom.. kefakom banat :)
wallahe we had a good time with you ! and you were excellent ma sha'a allah :) I wish you all the best, o if you need anything anytime just tell me :)
M No. **********
Pager# "

isn't she the sweetest xD ❤

The specialist was also great with us.  I can almost say he is a walking encyclopedia when it comes to pulmonolgy.  He taught us many things and never ignored us.  And the last words he had spoken of to us were his personal opinion.  Those words were the nicest and the most encouraging thing I've ever heard since ever.

Finally, the consultant Dr. "S.W".  To me and in my humble opinion he is one of the greatest doctors I've ever met in my entire life!  I'm not gonna deny how scary I was of him in the first few days, but then all that disappeared when I got him right.

"he has it all .. morals .. knowledge .. professionalism!"

A truly great - if not the greatest ever - doctor!  Although he's a consultant, but he has a humorous sarcastic spirit and in the same time a sense of sanity and equity that forces you to respect him no matter what.  He cares about every body specially the patients and the students.  I'll never forget how he took us in his welcoming arms and made sure we were there with him wherever he went. How he made sure we get the information properly even if that means he has to come out during a procedure to explain what's been happening there.  How honest and straightforward he was in criticizing our performance and how kind and down to earth when he was doing that.  I'll always be inspired by him when it comes to work and responsibility.  It was very obvious that he puts all his heart in his work and how much he tries to be fair with every body.

I'll never forget the rounds and the clinic with him and the funny things he used to do and say..
I'll never forget the day we had that session with him n how much we benefited from it..
I'll never forget the day we had our presentations with him..
I'll never forget the soft way he treats his patients with..
I'll never forget the high levels of morals he treats everybody with..
I'll never forget his advices and the tips he told us about..
I'll never forget how he used to joke with us..
I'll never forget the small things I had with him..

when he asked me about Arabic series and how I answered him and what he recommended me to watch next year..
when he asked me about my name and how hardly he tried to think of someone he knows that could be a relative of mine..
how he was impressed by the way I speak English..
and the fact that he is the first doctor who remembered my name perfectly whenever he saw me..
and few other things that I think would be lame and silly mentioning them here. ! ^^''

I really enjoyed and benefited every single day with him!  May Allah bliss him and the others and reward them with highest rewards. Amen! =)

I sincerely ask god to help me not to forget those 2 weeks for they have showed me how much I can achieve .. I can be .. and I can do without losing ME .. the real ME!!  And the bunch of wonderful people I've met whom I already have created a spot for them in my heart for they have redeemed the unsatisfying thoughts I had of my self.

finally .. I must confess, as much as I love happy moments I hate what comes after they pass by. because living moments of pure joy &  happiness is everybody's wish.  And when they come, no one would ever wish to end.  And that what makes me sad and breaks my heart. Let along having DAYS of those moments .. my misery will double BIG times!!
That's why I couldn't hold my self together the last week.   I was crying almost every single night. I even couldn't hold my self the last day and broke down in front of "trapped"!!  :')



P.S:
I know there is a great deal of sentiments here, but I assure you it's rational too. ;)
and there are somethings that I've mentioned here that I don't usually -if never- do! so plz .. what happens in the closet STAYS in the closet!! lol n' that's a small request to you my college friends ;)

OSCE DAY

hey there .. today I had a mid rotation OSCE in family medicine. I can't tell u how weird and confusing that exam was. I'm praying to god to have mercy on me and my friends. some of us , well , most of us were very unhappy and unsatisfied with the exam, but we managed to break through the day with BIG smiles on our faces every time we recall the exam and the amount of silly, dumb, innocent and funny things we did during it out of fear n' anxiety.

for instance, I was gonna leave the examination room with actually no scarf covering my head!! there was no time n' I was in a hurry n' totally forgot about it .. xD

and one of my friends kept holding the patient's foot while giving her advice about diabetic foot and she wasn't supposed to do that. beside she kept repeating the word "iltehab"- meaning "inflammation" - to the patient in almost every sentence .. I couldn't believe that medicine in Arabic would be awkward until this day came :P

another one forgot to ask about the patient's name and when the doctor confront her about that, she simply replayed confidently: " Fatima"! guess what .. her name was "Mariam" .. I know a complete bummer LOOOL xD

when we finished the exam they told us to leave the floor so we don't help the other girls who didn't take the exam to cheat. me and all my group friends were in one elevator on our way to the hospital cafeteria. during that time we went completely crazy. we yelled .. cursed .. n' even one of us screamed with the "F" word n' she's usually not that kind of person !! at that exact moment the elevator door opened and a bunch of male students appeared in front of us!!! I don't know whether they heard that or not, and even if they did I can't imagine how their reactions would be! also at that moment my sweet smart cookie was fixing her scarf and coincidentally an edgy small part of her scarf hit my eyes. so my eyes went all red a teary. I walked out of the elevator looking like a girl who cries over exams - which I'm NOT btw. I only did it once in high school and never did again.

we all were very tired and exhausted. me my self I was very tired and sleepy for I didn't sleep the night before. we had a lecture after that from 1:00 p.m to almost 3:15 p.m but my eyes couldn't stay open for even a fraction of a second.
now that I'm home, I'm catching up with my TV-series that I couldn't watch last week when I was studying for the exam. an episode after another .. the ULTIMATE joy for me .XD

enjoy your day sweets =D