THE INTERNSHIP DILEMMA AND FINDING THE ANSWER

Inside my closet, I could be anything..
a writer .. a poet .. a singer .. an artist .. a scientist .. a dreamer .. designer .. photographer ... I can go on and on .. literally anything!! this is my place .. my rules.
But after all, I'm only a person who spells out what's been inside me. In a way that would help me find salvation .. serenity .. and peace of mind.

lately - and I think in the upcoming few months too, but hopefully not - my mind was in complete perplexities and chaos. All that because of the internship and what I'm gonna be doing after I graduate from med school in sha'a Allah.

 

should I go with Surgery? but I can't bare standing on my feet for long hours. my legs are too precious to me to risk developing varicose veins in a young age. Although I believe I got the skills for it.


 







Medicine on the other hand, I find it a field full of challenges and interesting things. I'm almost certain that I'd find what I'm looking for to fill my ambitions, expectations and hopes in it, but it's also a very consuming specialty. Do I wanna spend my whole life doing the same thing everyday? full-minded and worried all the time? is it gonna be O.K. with me to lose my gorgeous hair and look like Panda in return?!! Am I ready to sacrifice my thriving social life that I've been working on away from medicine and finally I'm seeing the results I was hoping for? it's truly a paralyzing dilemma.

I also had put in mind the possibility of not getting into what I want for not being accepted - la sama7 Allah - or for any other reason - like lacking vitamin "W" or "و". I'm thinking like that so I can be prepared and not feeling completely devastated by that time. And to use this time in creating back up plans afterwards.
one moment it feels like every thing is clear .. and the other moment I feel utterly lost and choked.
But I'm telling you for sure: OB\Gyn and Pediatrics are absolutely off-limits. Because I simply don't like them.


so I sat down .. quite .. in solitude .. and gone thinking and meditating. I was thinking about what my friend Hanan said that day: "Allah akbar was6a!" .. and all of a sudden .. I started singing..

would you live your life..
always wondering..
every moment .. every second .. always struggling..
if I've ever done this .. or ever done that..
would I be happy .. would I be sad..
all what you need is .. faith and believing..
and you're gonna have everything you've been seeking..


tell me who knows you better than you do?..
tell me who can see the real you?..
look inside .. feel your heart .. ask your mind..
it's clear .. you will find..
you're the true star to guide you through..


life can be tough and freezing cold..
and can make it hard to dig your gold..
remember .. you're not alone..
your friends are always gonna be there for you..
your family will always help you shine and glow..
you just gotta believe .. have faith ..
and trust that God is always there for you ... whenever you need..


you matter when you believe you do..
everything you do makes the minds blow..
whether it's huge .. simple .. or tiny small..
deep down inside of you..
you're unique .. you're special because you know..


believe .. have faith..
work hard .. don't feel beneath..
draw your own path to your dreams..
never give up as long as your heart beats..
shadows must turn into rainbows and brighten your days..
so keep smiling .. God is always there to reward your deeds..


somehow, that calmed me down and tamed my anxiety. Helped me thinking clearly and narrowing my options into 2 things .. for now. So I'm gonna be focusing on these two and spending every effort I got to make it into one of them in sha'a Allah.

A DREAM COME TRUE .. NO!

"thanks GOD the driver is finally here! ohh.. it's already 9:35!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it there on time", jumping into the car anxiously. " 9:45 is not that much and the road takes at least 15 minutes from my house in an ordinary-not-crowded day!", I murmured.
 

I was hoping for a miracle. If I ever needed a miracle before, that was the time for a one. I've always dreamed of showing up on TV. It's a childhood dream that I kept till now and I'll be keeping till I get the chance to live it. 

About 1 or 2 months ago, while checking on my FB page my eyes fell on an announcement for the famous TV-business man Ahmad Al-Shugairi saying that there were only few days left to fill the application form in order to participate and appear on the show. I was like WHAAAAAAT!! this is it.. this is what I have been waiting for my whole life. The golden opportunity. All what I had to do is fill in the application form and wait for THE call or THE email. I was utterly excited at that moment, but then days & weeks have passed without receiving a call nor even a message from him. So I kinda lost hope and took my mind off the subject. Yesterday, my mobile rang and it's a strange number! I recently developed a new rule: do NOT answer stranger calls because they will be annoying you all the time! however, I took that call. And that was THE stranger call I was waiting for. A man from Ahamd Al-sugairi's public relation office was speaking to me with a serious-I'm-in-a-hurry tune & informed me that I had an interview at Al-Andalusia at 9:45 p.m. on the next day. The words felt like a sound from a dream. I couldn't believe my ears. I actually had the opportunity to live one of my biggest dreams. Beside, I had so much expectations for the show. I was hoping by taking part in the show, I'd be able to widen my horizon and discover new things about me and anything else. And maybe I can actually put my talents and skills into action and show the world that I can live my dreams and make a difference in the same time. I dunno how or what emma do that. but I've nothing to lose. In fact, I'll be learning new things and gaining experience in totally different fields other than medicine. Also, It appeared to me that it wasn't just about being on TV. It was about proving my self to others and boosting my confidence and to actually get to be a productive citizen and therefore a good Muslim. I know you may say there are lots of ways to do so. But I dunno, this is how I felt. A great opportunity had come to me I better snap it and make the most out of it.

but ..

ما كل ما يتمنـــــــاه المرء يدركـــــــــه ... تجري الرياح بما لا تشتهى السفن

At the end, that dream couldn't see the day light for I couldn't make it to the interview. despite every effort I spent to make it work, let's just say it wasn't meant to be and that's it. 

I was so sad .. frustrated .. angry and disappointed that I cried my eyes out in silence and my tears felt like lava running over my cheeks on my way home. When I got there, I tried to hold my self together and I started thinking: "what have I gained from this experience?" .. so I made a list..

1. Never ultimately count on anybody but YOURSELF!!
2. Always prepare back up plans. from plan A to plan Z. you never know how things might go.
3. When some stranger calls you, and appears to be an important person. the first thing to do after hanging up the phone is saving the number with the person's NAME! believe me you're gonna need it.
4. Try as much as u can to calm down and not panic or throw tantrums on anybody. because you will end up hurting your self from all aspects. 
5. Always keep record of anything you do specially your interests, talents or hobbies. you don't know when you will be needing them and what you can do with them.
6. Apologize early when you know that you're gonna be late for someone. that simple act may spare you the pointless drive. and maybe if you're lucky, you will be given another chance.
7. Prepare your CV and keep it updated .. ALWAYS!
8. Don't start pointing fingers and blaming others when it's getting difficult for you to achieve your goals. that will only leave you more and more behind. instead, look up for the missing piece of the puzzle and work on the problem so u can avoid it in the future. remember the prophet's saying (PBUH): "لا يلدغ المؤمن في جحره مرتين "
9. Start new plans or improve the one\s you had. never think it's the end of the world when you fail at the first time.
10. Put in mind when a door closes another door opens. there are endless amount of chances in life. you just gotta discover them, grab them and work on them. believe in your self and work hard and never give up. keep in mind this Hadith: 

 "١"إن قامت الساعة و بيد أحدكم فسيلة فاستطاع ألا تقوم حتى يغرسها، فليغرسها، فله بذلك أجر

And the most important of all, when you're about to do anything and you're in doubt, don't forget that God is always watching over us. pray (Istekhara) & raise your hands and pray from the bottom of your heart for Allah's guidance.

My soothing words for this night were these:

(عجباً لأمر المؤمن، إن أمره كله خير، إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له وليس ذلك لأحد إلا للمؤمن)

According to this, a believer is always satisfied. Therefore, always on the right path. I should be acting upon that and everything else is gonna be alright :)

HEAR AND FEEL THE LIFE

To all those who know me it's not a secret that I am that kind of person who likes and enjoys calming melodies of charming symphonies more than any type of music. I don't really like regular songs I mean the ones with singers. they are too loud for me. beside, sometimes I like to create my own scenario of a song. so listening to symphonies with out words does the job for me.

I like the feeling they leave in me..
serenity ..
peaceful ..
so light like I'm flying with the clouds ..
some times angry ..
and sometimes sad ..
nostalgic..
and sometimes happy..

I don't know.. but these feelings seem so strong whenever I listen to this piece of music.
and what makes it even more special to me is that somehow I feel like I'm drawn into another world, like I'm living in a parallel universe where I AM everything and everything is about ME!
including the ups and downs ..
the joy and sadness ..
the tears and smiles ..
strangely .. it feels like all the madness of life is emerged in this symphony!

simply .. all what it makes me feel .. is LIFE!!!

hope you like it as much as I do. enjoy your selves =)

What's in my Mind

the last couple of days right after the Family Medicine final, I couldn't stop singing and humming these two songs for Nancy Ajram:



LOVE !! the clip is just SO adorable and she looks so innocent and yummy specially the parts when she eats.lol that Labky director sure knows how to make the perfect image for Nancy. I couldn't imagine her going like Elisa or Haifa.



this one my cousin just told me about few days ago. since then I couldn't take it off my mind. I'm not exactly that kind of person who pays attention to the lyrics of a song. I care more about the melody. but in this one, the lyrics are simple and touchy. not that sophisticated and straight to the point even the clip is so expressive.

P.S: I don't usually post songs nor hear them that often. so God please forgive me for doing so!

enjoy

MY SECRET CLOSET

It all began long time ago back when I was a child. I was very calm, sensitive, shy and peaceful. in other words, a good child. But that didn't keep me away of troubles. As they say in Arabic " اتقِ شر الحليم إذا غضب ", when I used to get angry and furious, I used to turn to another person who knew nothing but making troubles.

Of course as a consequence, I used to get my fair share of punishment. those memories are not exactly my favorites for they left deep scars in my heart that I think will never fade away. Right away after my punishments, I used to run away .. well, not literally, but I mean I used to hide from my parents so they can't find me for they might continue what they started.
I used to hide under my bed, but they found me so easily!
I used to hide behind the door of my room that I used to share with my other sisters, again.. they found me .. and my sisters used to mock me for that.

and then I ran into my closet .. my lovely closet .. my secret dear closet .. and they didn't find me there for a quite long time.

My closet was very simple. long, perfectly wide, with one large shelf that was wide enough to let me set over it comfortably. It was two to three feet above the ground with my regular house clothes neatly folded on it, while my dresses were hanging down of the rail.

When I used to stay inside, I used to take the squatting position pulling my knees to my chest like I'm cuddling my self and lay down with my back sloping in comfort on the wall of the closet.

It was dark .. but cozy
I was alone .. but not lonely
It was so quite .. so peaceful .. and so warm ..

I used to talk to my self in whispers so I don't get busted. My imagination flew me away to my world that I created in my mind .. a world that no body knew of it .. a world where I can be whatever I wanna be .. the only place that could put an innocent happy smile again on my lips and no longer for me to feel sad or gloomy or depressed. It was the only place where black shadows weren't so scary. they felt like a smooth warming cloak over my little weak tired body that used to make me feel protected and content just like a mother cuddling her baby close.

My secret closet used to be my secret shelter from my sorrows ..
the place where I let go of my thoughts .. my imagination ..
and dream freely of anything and everything ..

and most importantly .. the place where I can mend my heart and heal my soul ..

My secret closet was one of the few factors that helped me not to grow up as a damaged child ..
for that I'm so grateful .. and so began this blog to immortalize those precious memories.

before I go .. I must tell u that I got busted !! but thanks god it was WAY TOO LATER. so I think I got to enjoy my closet after all.

one more thing .. there is one person who knows this story quite a while ago. I know when she reads this she might get mad of me - hopefully not - and I'm afraid she will always think of me as a horrible-fond-of -lying person. and I wont blame her for that! I honestly have nothing to say but I never intended to lie on anybody. I just wanted to keep it a secret for a while to see if my friends would be interested in me or not. But apparently, I failed .. and I failed BIG time! :S That because I couldn't be 100% ME. I was always anxious and hesitant about what should I write because I didn't want them to recognize me so quickly.
I know how pathetic I must be now .. but no more lying and no more secrets ..
Please forgive me my dear friends!

LOVE,

Jody Abbott

MEDITATIONS ..

Ramdan this year is Special! At least to me. I tried and I still trying to get the most of it. From the very first day of Ramadan I was drawn in the sea of queries .. confusion .. hope .. looking into my self wondering if I'm on the right path to seek the better person I wanna be. It's the feeling of something inside me has reawaken .. or revived this time urging me to meditate on my self and life with an open mind, examining eye, sincere heart and a unfeigned faith to realize what path I'm on and what changes I need in my self.

In the same time, I keep doing what I always do every Ramadan. Which is reading Qura'an, praying Tarwe7 and saying prayers whenever I recall what I want from this life. And of course thanks god I'm not a big fan of Arabic TV shows and it's drama. I think it's of a low quality and dreadfully pointless therefore it's a waste of time.

Speaking of TV shows, I only watch two. (Khawater 6) for Ahmad Al-Shuqairy and ( Biny o Benakom ) for Mohammad Al-Owadhy. I'm not gonna elaborate telling you about these two shows. because I'm sure we all - or the majority as I hope - know them very well. But I must put my remark and rise my hand up high applauding and clapping in respect for Mr. Al-shuqairy.

On the twenty first of Ramadan he gave us - in my opinion - one of his best episodes ever! He really out done him self when he clarified to us the concept of ( coexisting ) or ( Ta'aayosh ) as we say it in Arabic.

My mind .. my tongue .. my fingers can not just describe what I've felt when I saw with my eyes and heard with my ears what have been aired on that episode.
It may seem to some people to be just words and scenes drained of any meanings .. a job that must be done to earn some money .. a weak futile attempt to wake up dormant minds and open up blinded eyes to see the real facts and truth ..
but to me .. it certainly touched my heart that my tears would've been fallen over my cheeks if I haven't pressed my self into hiding them at that moment. It emphasized an idea I always believed in. That is :

(whatever your religion is - whether Muslim, Christean, Jewish ...etc - we could still live in harmony and satisfaction if each one of us knows how to respect others and values the humanity as it is and treats others based on this concept .. on this fact - that we are HUMANS - before seeing them as in races, sex, nationalities or whatever differences we have.)

It's not new .. I didn't discover that on my own .. it's all mentioned in Qura'an and taught by our messenger ( Muhammad peace be upon him ) .. look at this

يقول الله سبحانه وتعالى: يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُمْ مِنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَى وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ [الحجرات:13]

عن جابر أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم مروا عليه بجنازة فقام لها واقفاً ، فقالوا : يا رسول الله إنها جنازة يهودي !! فقال : ( أليست نفساً؟).١

so after this episode, I decided to upload it here as a way to show my support .. my believes .. and as an appreciation and respect for Mr. Al-Shuqairy. may allah grant him the strength and the sincerity to continue the good deeds he started.

Rumblings of an Insomniac

Assalmu Alaikom
Ramadan Mubarak and Kol sana o ento 6ayyebeen =)

normally, in a time like this - around 6:16 p.m - I should be deeply sleeping having sweet dreams. instead, I'm fully awake and no mater what I do I can never get the happy sleep I want. since that, I decided to write random things about my self until I get tired and fall asleep.

1) Yesterday, I dreamed about Peter Pan! actually I dreamed about almost all the characters with Peter Pan except for him! I know .. weird! but I think I was him, because I was rescuing my cousins with the his children fellows and Tinker bill of course XD. I loved the part when I was flying on my own XD.
I dunno why I dreamed of them, I don't even like the guy!

2) I have a prayer rug since I was 6 years old that I still use until now. I never changed it and I never felt it's small for me, but people keep telling me why I keep such thing with me all these years. well , honestly .. I dunno .. maybe coz my mom gave it to me in the first place .. or maybe coz I never felt it's getting smaller for me .. but I do know this : I love it and I don't think I'm gonna give it away any soon.

3) YA RAB WE GET THE RED CAR. It's SO BEAUTIFUL .. I fell in LOVE with it .. it's a LOVE from the first sight ❤❥❦

4) I'm craving for Indian Food.

5) I must loose some weight.

6) My sister always tells me that I move during sleeping. it's not like sleep walking ,it's more like I play with my hands when I'm asleep. she says that I often wave my hands or I point to something or I rise my arms like I'm wanting to grab some one. She also says that I sometimes talk. as weird as it may sound - or it may not - it doesn't bother me at all. one of my weird wishes is sleep walking, so moving and talking is close to it :P

7) I haven't bought a single piece of clothing for (EID) until now!!

8) my last attempt to sleep is reading, coz I know my self, every time I grab a book to read I immediately fall asleep on it. although I'm doubting this now, my reading skills have developed during the summer and I've became a bit more tolerant than before.

9) before I go, I'll finish my post with this inspiring short story that I've read just before I write all this .. it's in Arabic- and that's what makes it even more beautiful ❤

أحد السلف كان أقرع الرأس .. أبرص البدن .. أعمى العينين .. مشلول القدمين و اليدين، و كان يقول: ( " الحمد لله الذي عافاني مما ابتلى به كثيرا من خلقه، و فضلني عليهم تفضيلا "). فمر به رجل فقال له: مما عافاك؟؟ أعمى و أبرص و أقرع و مشلول .. فمما عافامك؟ فقال : ويحك يا رجل! جعل لي لسانا ذاكرا، و قلبا شاكرا، و بدنا على البلاء صابرا، اللهم ما أصبح بي من نعمة أو بأحد من خلقك فمنك و حدك لا شريك لك ، فلك الحمد و لك الشكر.١

My Home Summer Job $$$

Summer and money. These two words are strictly bound to each other no matter what your plans are. Whether to spend money on traveling, shopping, investments...etc. Or to earn money like applying for a summer job. Or starting a temporary business…etc.

I was thinking before my vacation started about getting a summer job, but the circumstances didn’t really helped me getting one. Lucky me, I have a sister who got a summer contract with some governmental institution. She’s like a supervisor and a technician in the same time. She has to do all the hard work Like preparing the power points, the data shows, the food, she has to watch over the girls and god knows what else she has to do too.

One day she asked for my personal opinion on the introductory power point. I told her what I think. Then, I offered her my professional help in exchange of a favor I wanted from her. She accepted that and told me if she liked my work she’s gonna make a professional deal with me. my mind went like awww professional = $$$! I can't refuse that so I took the deal.

I made the ppt and she liked it. Then she offered me to pay 30 Rs. for every 10 slides I do. I was like .. WOoOW! A real profit .. I get to earn money of my own effort. I accepted the deal immediately I didn’t even bargain.

Until now I’ve made 6 power points and one design for a brochure- yeah .. this counts too ☺. And almost each one of them contains 15 – 25 slides. Well.. you do the math. :P I’m sure it’s 100 something -if not 200!! XD.

Awww.. I’m so happy and proud of my self. May this be the beginning of a successful career for me XD.

SUMMER & GOOD MEMORIES

It's SUMMER everyone .. finally, we can rest! NO more studying.. NO more exams .. MUCH MORE FUN is waiting for us .. I hope..

SO HAPPY SUMMER FOR U BLOGGERS!

I'm telling u that, because me myself is having a rough time these days. But I'm trying to adopt by remembering and recalling good times, nice memories and LOADS and LOADS of TV-series and movies. I'm so addicted to these things. The funny thing is they are called ((TV))-shows, but I never open the TV except rarely, I have them all in my sweet precious laptop.
I had so much plans for this summer .. but I'm afraid I have no control on my life right now.. I just have to be patient. I hope by time every thing is gonna work for me.
The title of my post says "GOOD MEMORIES" .. yes .. good memories. They are one of my precious things that I have. That kind of things that gives me strength and helps me back on track when I get lost sometimes.

one of these memories is the day when my eldest bro. told me "I LOVE YOU"!

one day he called me, to check on me and the family - since he's a newly married man and apparently he does misses his family pretty mush, which goes against what he expected before he got married lol. we blabbed and blabbed and then we laughed and then he told me:

" u know what !!? I LOVE U .. and I love talkin' to u .. u makes me happy every time I do so.. u'r funny and easy to talk to".

I know this sounds like a boy talking to his girl friend .. but when I heard these words .. specially that they are coming out of my brother .. it meant every thing to me .. like the world to me!
that made me feel warm and content and most importantly.. it made me feel that I'm a good person.

I must confess .. me and him didn't really have this perfect brother-sister relationship in the past. We were like oil and fire .. dog and a cat!! suddenly, after his marriage, everything have changed! I changed .. he changed.. we became more mature and more peaceful. In our family, we're not used to show our love to each other. not by words , not by kisses nor by hugs! Beside, I have this idea in my head of me being waaaay too far of a funny person, despite what I hear from other ppl. So, u can imagine how something like this would make my day.

His wife told me once that he likes talkin' to me , he likes when I go out with them. she told me that before he does, but I didn't really go with it ..considering our shameful past.

A memory like this always brings the good out of me .. making me remember one of my utmost wishes in life .. which is to make every one happy. And knowing that I could do so to even to one single person makes my heart jumps of joy.

seven random things

I don't know what to tell you exactly , but I'll write the first things that come to my mind, so here you go:

DARKNESS is one of my biggest fears , I can't sleep if the room is too dark !

I love or lets say: I prefer older men on younger ones, they're more mature n much more hot !

I love to sing , I used to have a beautiful voice when I was younger, n I still do! but I need to practice some more.

although I'm too afraid of the dark , but one of the most favorable times for me to think n clear my mind is at night!! when every body is asleep , n I'm laying on my bed looking at the moon out of the window =)

I always cry at the night before the school, of course not in front of every one! only when they all go to bed.

I have a REEEEEALLY HUGE crush on one of my doctors!!!

I once had a daughter, but they took her away from me !! =''( but now I have a son , whom I adore n I love soooooo much

Thanks dear Fadiosis for the tag ! I really didn't know what to write till I got your tag =)

NEW BEGINNING!

hey every one !!=D
this is my first post here as u can see.
i wasn't really sure about this whoooole blogging thing, but i decided to give it a try & see where it would take me & what could possibly happen.

i want this to be the place where i can be open with every one..
the place where i can share my stories the bad n the good ones..
the place where i can discover new things about every thing, including ME!..
the place where i can speak up of every thing spinning in ma mind..
& in the same time, the place where i can spell out my secrets & fear nothing..
the place where i can make a difference with my thoughts..
the place where i suppose to be in charge..

& last.. the place where i can find the peace i need & self respect i had one day..!