THE INTERNSHIP DILEMMA AND FINDING THE ANSWER

Inside my closet, I could be anything..
a writer .. a poet .. a singer .. an artist .. a scientist .. a dreamer .. designer .. photographer ... I can go on and on .. literally anything!! this is my place .. my rules.
But after all, I'm only a person who spells out what's been inside me. In a way that would help me find salvation .. serenity .. and peace of mind.

lately - and I think in the upcoming few months too, but hopefully not - my mind was in complete perplexities and chaos. All that because of the internship and what I'm gonna be doing after I graduate from med school in sha'a Allah.

 

should I go with Surgery? but I can't bare standing on my feet for long hours. my legs are too precious to me to risk developing varicose veins in a young age. Although I believe I got the skills for it.


 







Medicine on the other hand, I find it a field full of challenges and interesting things. I'm almost certain that I'd find what I'm looking for to fill my ambitions, expectations and hopes in it, but it's also a very consuming specialty. Do I wanna spend my whole life doing the same thing everyday? full-minded and worried all the time? is it gonna be O.K. with me to lose my gorgeous hair and look like Panda in return?!! Am I ready to sacrifice my thriving social life that I've been working on away from medicine and finally I'm seeing the results I was hoping for? it's truly a paralyzing dilemma.

I also had put in mind the possibility of not getting into what I want for not being accepted - la sama7 Allah - or for any other reason - like lacking vitamin "W" or "و". I'm thinking like that so I can be prepared and not feeling completely devastated by that time. And to use this time in creating back up plans afterwards.
one moment it feels like every thing is clear .. and the other moment I feel utterly lost and choked.
But I'm telling you for sure: OB\Gyn and Pediatrics are absolutely off-limits. Because I simply don't like them.


so I sat down .. quite .. in solitude .. and gone thinking and meditating. I was thinking about what my friend Hanan said that day: "Allah akbar was6a!" .. and all of a sudden .. I started singing..

would you live your life..
always wondering..
every moment .. every second .. always struggling..
if I've ever done this .. or ever done that..
would I be happy .. would I be sad..
all what you need is .. faith and believing..
and you're gonna have everything you've been seeking..


tell me who knows you better than you do?..
tell me who can see the real you?..
look inside .. feel your heart .. ask your mind..
it's clear .. you will find..
you're the true star to guide you through..


life can be tough and freezing cold..
and can make it hard to dig your gold..
remember .. you're not alone..
your friends are always gonna be there for you..
your family will always help you shine and glow..
you just gotta believe .. have faith ..
and trust that God is always there for you ... whenever you need..


you matter when you believe you do..
everything you do makes the minds blow..
whether it's huge .. simple .. or tiny small..
deep down inside of you..
you're unique .. you're special because you know..


believe .. have faith..
work hard .. don't feel beneath..
draw your own path to your dreams..
never give up as long as your heart beats..
shadows must turn into rainbows and brighten your days..
so keep smiling .. God is always there to reward your deeds..


somehow, that calmed me down and tamed my anxiety. Helped me thinking clearly and narrowing my options into 2 things .. for now. So I'm gonna be focusing on these two and spending every effort I got to make it into one of them in sha'a Allah.

A DREAM COME TRUE .. NO!

"thanks GOD the driver is finally here! ohh.. it's already 9:35!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it there on time", jumping into the car anxiously. " 9:45 is not that much and the road takes at least 15 minutes from my house in an ordinary-not-crowded day!", I murmured.
 

I was hoping for a miracle. If I ever needed a miracle before, that was the time for a one. I've always dreamed of showing up on TV. It's a childhood dream that I kept till now and I'll be keeping till I get the chance to live it. 

About 1 or 2 months ago, while checking on my FB page my eyes fell on an announcement for the famous TV-business man Ahmad Al-Shugairi saying that there were only few days left to fill the application form in order to participate and appear on the show. I was like WHAAAAAAT!! this is it.. this is what I have been waiting for my whole life. The golden opportunity. All what I had to do is fill in the application form and wait for THE call or THE email. I was utterly excited at that moment, but then days & weeks have passed without receiving a call nor even a message from him. So I kinda lost hope and took my mind off the subject. Yesterday, my mobile rang and it's a strange number! I recently developed a new rule: do NOT answer stranger calls because they will be annoying you all the time! however, I took that call. And that was THE stranger call I was waiting for. A man from Ahamd Al-sugairi's public relation office was speaking to me with a serious-I'm-in-a-hurry tune & informed me that I had an interview at Al-Andalusia at 9:45 p.m. on the next day. The words felt like a sound from a dream. I couldn't believe my ears. I actually had the opportunity to live one of my biggest dreams. Beside, I had so much expectations for the show. I was hoping by taking part in the show, I'd be able to widen my horizon and discover new things about me and anything else. And maybe I can actually put my talents and skills into action and show the world that I can live my dreams and make a difference in the same time. I dunno how or what emma do that. but I've nothing to lose. In fact, I'll be learning new things and gaining experience in totally different fields other than medicine. Also, It appeared to me that it wasn't just about being on TV. It was about proving my self to others and boosting my confidence and to actually get to be a productive citizen and therefore a good Muslim. I know you may say there are lots of ways to do so. But I dunno, this is how I felt. A great opportunity had come to me I better snap it and make the most out of it.

but ..

ما كل ما يتمنـــــــاه المرء يدركـــــــــه ... تجري الرياح بما لا تشتهى السفن

At the end, that dream couldn't see the day light for I couldn't make it to the interview. despite every effort I spent to make it work, let's just say it wasn't meant to be and that's it. 

I was so sad .. frustrated .. angry and disappointed that I cried my eyes out in silence and my tears felt like lava running over my cheeks on my way home. When I got there, I tried to hold my self together and I started thinking: "what have I gained from this experience?" .. so I made a list..

1. Never ultimately count on anybody but YOURSELF!!
2. Always prepare back up plans. from plan A to plan Z. you never know how things might go.
3. When some stranger calls you, and appears to be an important person. the first thing to do after hanging up the phone is saving the number with the person's NAME! believe me you're gonna need it.
4. Try as much as u can to calm down and not panic or throw tantrums on anybody. because you will end up hurting your self from all aspects. 
5. Always keep record of anything you do specially your interests, talents or hobbies. you don't know when you will be needing them and what you can do with them.
6. Apologize early when you know that you're gonna be late for someone. that simple act may spare you the pointless drive. and maybe if you're lucky, you will be given another chance.
7. Prepare your CV and keep it updated .. ALWAYS!
8. Don't start pointing fingers and blaming others when it's getting difficult for you to achieve your goals. that will only leave you more and more behind. instead, look up for the missing piece of the puzzle and work on the problem so u can avoid it in the future. remember the prophet's saying (PBUH): "لا يلدغ المؤمن في جحره مرتين "
9. Start new plans or improve the one\s you had. never think it's the end of the world when you fail at the first time.
10. Put in mind when a door closes another door opens. there are endless amount of chances in life. you just gotta discover them, grab them and work on them. believe in your self and work hard and never give up. keep in mind this Hadith: 

 "١"إن قامت الساعة و بيد أحدكم فسيلة فاستطاع ألا تقوم حتى يغرسها، فليغرسها، فله بذلك أجر

And the most important of all, when you're about to do anything and you're in doubt, don't forget that God is always watching over us. pray (Istekhara) & raise your hands and pray from the bottom of your heart for Allah's guidance.

My soothing words for this night were these:

(عجباً لأمر المؤمن، إن أمره كله خير، إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له وليس ذلك لأحد إلا للمؤمن)

According to this, a believer is always satisfied. Therefore, always on the right path. I should be acting upon that and everything else is gonna be alright :)