THE INTERNSHIP DILEMMA AND FINDING THE ANSWER

Inside my closet, I could be anything..
a writer .. a poet .. a singer .. an artist .. a scientist .. a dreamer .. designer .. photographer ... I can go on and on .. literally anything!! this is my place .. my rules.
But after all, I'm only a person who spells out what's been inside me. In a way that would help me find salvation .. serenity .. and peace of mind.

lately - and I think in the upcoming few months too, but hopefully not - my mind was in complete perplexities and chaos. All that because of the internship and what I'm gonna be doing after I graduate from med school in sha'a Allah.

 

should I go with Surgery? but I can't bare standing on my feet for long hours. my legs are too precious to me to risk developing varicose veins in a young age. Although I believe I got the skills for it.


 







Medicine on the other hand, I find it a field full of challenges and interesting things. I'm almost certain that I'd find what I'm looking for to fill my ambitions, expectations and hopes in it, but it's also a very consuming specialty. Do I wanna spend my whole life doing the same thing everyday? full-minded and worried all the time? is it gonna be O.K. with me to lose my gorgeous hair and look like Panda in return?!! Am I ready to sacrifice my thriving social life that I've been working on away from medicine and finally I'm seeing the results I was hoping for? it's truly a paralyzing dilemma.

I also had put in mind the possibility of not getting into what I want for not being accepted - la sama7 Allah - or for any other reason - like lacking vitamin "W" or "و". I'm thinking like that so I can be prepared and not feeling completely devastated by that time. And to use this time in creating back up plans afterwards.
one moment it feels like every thing is clear .. and the other moment I feel utterly lost and choked.
But I'm telling you for sure: OB\Gyn and Pediatrics are absolutely off-limits. Because I simply don't like them.


so I sat down .. quite .. in solitude .. and gone thinking and meditating. I was thinking about what my friend Hanan said that day: "Allah akbar was6a!" .. and all of a sudden .. I started singing..

would you live your life..
always wondering..
every moment .. every second .. always struggling..
if I've ever done this .. or ever done that..
would I be happy .. would I be sad..
all what you need is .. faith and believing..
and you're gonna have everything you've been seeking..


tell me who knows you better than you do?..
tell me who can see the real you?..
look inside .. feel your heart .. ask your mind..
it's clear .. you will find..
you're the true star to guide you through..


life can be tough and freezing cold..
and can make it hard to dig your gold..
remember .. you're not alone..
your friends are always gonna be there for you..
your family will always help you shine and glow..
you just gotta believe .. have faith ..
and trust that God is always there for you ... whenever you need..


you matter when you believe you do..
everything you do makes the minds blow..
whether it's huge .. simple .. or tiny small..
deep down inside of you..
you're unique .. you're special because you know..


believe .. have faith..
work hard .. don't feel beneath..
draw your own path to your dreams..
never give up as long as your heart beats..
shadows must turn into rainbows and brighten your days..
so keep smiling .. God is always there to reward your deeds..


somehow, that calmed me down and tamed my anxiety. Helped me thinking clearly and narrowing my options into 2 things .. for now. So I'm gonna be focusing on these two and spending every effort I got to make it into one of them in sha'a Allah.

A DREAM COME TRUE .. NO!

"thanks GOD the driver is finally here! ohh.. it's already 9:35!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it there on time", jumping into the car anxiously. " 9:45 is not that much and the road takes at least 15 minutes from my house in an ordinary-not-crowded day!", I murmured.
 

I was hoping for a miracle. If I ever needed a miracle before, that was the time for a one. I've always dreamed of showing up on TV. It's a childhood dream that I kept till now and I'll be keeping till I get the chance to live it. 

About 1 or 2 months ago, while checking on my FB page my eyes fell on an announcement for the famous TV-business man Ahmad Al-Shugairi saying that there were only few days left to fill the application form in order to participate and appear on the show. I was like WHAAAAAAT!! this is it.. this is what I have been waiting for my whole life. The golden opportunity. All what I had to do is fill in the application form and wait for THE call or THE email. I was utterly excited at that moment, but then days & weeks have passed without receiving a call nor even a message from him. So I kinda lost hope and took my mind off the subject. Yesterday, my mobile rang and it's a strange number! I recently developed a new rule: do NOT answer stranger calls because they will be annoying you all the time! however, I took that call. And that was THE stranger call I was waiting for. A man from Ahamd Al-sugairi's public relation office was speaking to me with a serious-I'm-in-a-hurry tune & informed me that I had an interview at Al-Andalusia at 9:45 p.m. on the next day. The words felt like a sound from a dream. I couldn't believe my ears. I actually had the opportunity to live one of my biggest dreams. Beside, I had so much expectations for the show. I was hoping by taking part in the show, I'd be able to widen my horizon and discover new things about me and anything else. And maybe I can actually put my talents and skills into action and show the world that I can live my dreams and make a difference in the same time. I dunno how or what emma do that. but I've nothing to lose. In fact, I'll be learning new things and gaining experience in totally different fields other than medicine. Also, It appeared to me that it wasn't just about being on TV. It was about proving my self to others and boosting my confidence and to actually get to be a productive citizen and therefore a good Muslim. I know you may say there are lots of ways to do so. But I dunno, this is how I felt. A great opportunity had come to me I better snap it and make the most out of it.

but ..

ما كل ما يتمنـــــــاه المرء يدركـــــــــه ... تجري الرياح بما لا تشتهى السفن

At the end, that dream couldn't see the day light for I couldn't make it to the interview. despite every effort I spent to make it work, let's just say it wasn't meant to be and that's it. 

I was so sad .. frustrated .. angry and disappointed that I cried my eyes out in silence and my tears felt like lava running over my cheeks on my way home. When I got there, I tried to hold my self together and I started thinking: "what have I gained from this experience?" .. so I made a list..

1. Never ultimately count on anybody but YOURSELF!!
2. Always prepare back up plans. from plan A to plan Z. you never know how things might go.
3. When some stranger calls you, and appears to be an important person. the first thing to do after hanging up the phone is saving the number with the person's NAME! believe me you're gonna need it.
4. Try as much as u can to calm down and not panic or throw tantrums on anybody. because you will end up hurting your self from all aspects. 
5. Always keep record of anything you do specially your interests, talents or hobbies. you don't know when you will be needing them and what you can do with them.
6. Apologize early when you know that you're gonna be late for someone. that simple act may spare you the pointless drive. and maybe if you're lucky, you will be given another chance.
7. Prepare your CV and keep it updated .. ALWAYS!
8. Don't start pointing fingers and blaming others when it's getting difficult for you to achieve your goals. that will only leave you more and more behind. instead, look up for the missing piece of the puzzle and work on the problem so u can avoid it in the future. remember the prophet's saying (PBUH): "لا يلدغ المؤمن في جحره مرتين "
9. Start new plans or improve the one\s you had. never think it's the end of the world when you fail at the first time.
10. Put in mind when a door closes another door opens. there are endless amount of chances in life. you just gotta discover them, grab them and work on them. believe in your self and work hard and never give up. keep in mind this Hadith: 

 "١"إن قامت الساعة و بيد أحدكم فسيلة فاستطاع ألا تقوم حتى يغرسها، فليغرسها، فله بذلك أجر

And the most important of all, when you're about to do anything and you're in doubt, don't forget that God is always watching over us. pray (Istekhara) & raise your hands and pray from the bottom of your heart for Allah's guidance.

My soothing words for this night were these:

(عجباً لأمر المؤمن، إن أمره كله خير، إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له وليس ذلك لأحد إلا للمؤمن)

According to this, a believer is always satisfied. Therefore, always on the right path. I should be acting upon that and everything else is gonna be alright :)

SIXTH YEAR ..FINALLY!

Hello my friends. I know maybe it's a bit late to write this post. I mean it's been almost two months since I started my last year in med school. It's exciting and frightening in the same time. the idea of becoming real life doctors and taking responsibilities of saving human lives gives me palpitation.
This post was late simply because I'm a lazy a** girl. Plus I may got a bit occupied coz I was trying to keep up with my school life. You know the part of my life where I have to study the surgery topics that I'm seeing every day in the rounds, clinics and to prepare for the tutorials and also studying the lecture topics. Not to mention preparing as much as I can of the team cases so I can present what I can during the rounds. And then writing them down to put them later in the log book that have to be submitted before the 18-week-course ends. seems alot, but it's still nothing compared to what we're gonna face when we graduate.

General surgery is fun. But I think I'm not that interested. I can't handle hours and hours of standing on my feet. I can barely stand on them during the rounds let along looong surgeries! Although I'm gonna miss it when we switch to medicine next term.
The course includes two exams: a mid term exam that is composed of two parts: a written and an inactive OSCE part. And later we have the final exam of course.

So I'm supposed to go to Taif with my family for the annual Eid's gathering. But the thing is that I'm having these thoughts about not going and staying at home to study for my mid term which is about one and a half week from now. And that because I haven't been studying so well in the past few days!! I was planning on studying during the Haj break which has started just a week ago. But kept postponing & telling my self that I still have time. Though, I have opened the book several times trying to study a complete topic but I always get distracted or fell asleep so quickly. so I decided to go over the easy ones to make a progress, but once I get the feeling that I have the slightest clue about the subject, I slow down and then give my self a looong break. So you can imagine how I am feeling right now. The guilt is eating me inside out but I can't or I don't wanna do anything about it!! Which is worrying me. I have never been like this before. I've always been an excellent student who never wasted a second without studying. But since last year, I started to feel numb and apathy has been accompanying me since then. I don't know why or how but this doesn't feel normal and it's really worrying me.
I love living the Eid's spirit with my family. Taking anything destructing and depressing out of my mind and enjoying and cherishing every single moment of pure happiness. It always brings joy to my heart. But now in my condition I'm really confused! So what do you think I should do my friends?

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MY SUMMER DIARIES: SUMMER TRAINING

Hellllllllllooo folk. Missed me? Cause I sure did. First I gotta tell you that alhamdulellah I passed my exams and I'm now officially a sixth year medical student. OB/GYNE was a bit tough and quite heavy subject to end the year with, compared to those who finished with anesthesia, psychiatry or elective course the luckiest ppl of the year!

Let's have a quick review over fifth year. Shall we ? The first thing I was hoping for at the beginning of the year is to start with a light subject that doesn't include an oral exam. Guess what? It was light but my group was the first one to have an ORAL and the most jinxed one when it comes to marks!! after spending about 2 years -as I recall the doctors telling us so- in just creating the study guide, Unfortunately, the course was a total miss. But to be fair it was quite useful. Then we spent 2 weeks with anesthesia and critical care course. All what I can say is: "ALLAH AL-MOSTA3AN!!!!!" bs I really enjoyed it. On the other hand, Psychiatry was surprising. Cause I thought it's gonna be depressing deadly boring course but it wasn't. it was refreshing and very interesting. When we were done with them all, pediatrics and OB/GYNE were hiding loads of surprises. Not very good ones I must say. Not gonna talk about Peadz for a I have mentioned it briefly before in a previous post, but in short it was bad. in contrast, I was utterly excited and fascinated from the very first day of OB/GYNE. I got bored in the middle of the course though. I blame my bipolar personality .. or it could be my depressed personality actually, because all my energy was consumed to the last drop by the end of the year and I was struggling trying to enjoy and benefit the rest of the course.

It was one hell of a year. We were crashed .. oppressed .. experimented on or lab rats (the famous pet name of my class) but we fought back trying to take the upper hand. We won some battles and lost the others but the war hasn't come to an end yet .. It is still on. The fact that we survived and became stronger than ever is the greatest victory in my opinion. And by stronger I mean we've become more independent, more mature, more mindful of our rights and have learned how to adopt with their actions expecting the worst trying to prevent it. I know .. it sounds medieval, but this is the fact that we have to face. > > > (Game of Thrones) effect LOL :P

Anyhow, summer vacation has started adding some fun to my dim life. I was planning on having a summer training at King Fahd General Hospital in the surgery department. Actually me and my friends wanted internal medicine, but it was already full cause we were a bit late to apply. Lucky us, every year some of the already registered students drop out. so there were some spots for us at our desired department after all. Our training was for 2 weeks of which I only missed 3 days. Surprisingly, I didn't do that just because I was bored like I used to do with OB/GYNE, I had quite strong reasons. One of them is that I had to take my father to ER because he had an accident when he was in Egypt few days before I started my training. He neglected his injuries so his condition had deteriorated since then. Thanks God he's much better now, but still need orthopedics consultation.

The first week was a bit boring, unorganized, lifeless and certainly not much educational. The second week on the other hand was exciting. although that I attended only 3 days, but I learned a lot! We were lucky to have Dr. Abed with us. A very nice, simple and down-to-earth doctor. He was so kind with us -the students- and even to the interns and residents. He was so eager to teach us as much as he can and didn't save an effort to do that. He made it his job to let each one of us observe important findings and perform the proper clinical examination on a variety of patients with good clear findings. He never made us feel inferiors or dumps. have I mentioned also that he is so funny and has a huge sense of hummer?! I Wish that you could hear his laugh, you won't be able or it would be very difficult to hold your self not laugh on him too. Me and the girls wanted so much to record his laugh, but we thought it would be mean and impolite so we refrained. Such a great doctor that we will always be grateful to. we spent 3 days with Dr. Abed attending rounds. Then we were supposed to switch with other girls to be with a different doctor. But again, the whole process wasn't well organized. So we ended up with no supervising doctor. Me and my other two friends decided among us to attend the clinics since we've never been to one before. We were lucky to attend the clinics with the chief doctor of internal medicine At KFGH and his buddy. Both of them are known for their decent reputation and for being one of the best respectful doctors in the hospital. That made us feel a bit .. mmm .. Ok .. scared A LOT!!! But in the same time excited and tuned. It was a challenging experience, having seen more than 30 patients over 3-4 hours trying to reach a diagnosis .. make the right decision or even checking their conditions and following up with them all that in only 5 - 10 minutes. The process is pretty much exhausting that the doctors kept telling us and the nurses that they are about to lose their tempers. I feel for them for I have witnessed a fraction of their given hard work. It's a very enriching and exciting experience and most certainly VERY rewarding. I loved how almost every patient was showing their gratitude by praying for us with the most kind and grateful words a person can ever receive and hear. It tickled me and warmed my heart for patients encouraging me to do my best to become a good physician in the future.

By the end of the second week, Me and my friend Mariam missed the last day of the training because we had to be at King Abdulaziz Hospital aka "Al-Mahjar" to renew our BLS certificate. We needed to do that in the present time, because in sha'a Allah we're planning on serving Pilgrims during the holy month of Ramadan at ( The Holy Mosque ) by providing them with good and necessary medical care whenever they need. I think it's a great opportunity to apply some of the basic medical knowledge that we have gained through the past years in med school. Beside, we would be serving a noble cause and gaining (Ajr) in the same time. What could be better than that?! =)

Aside from gaining knowledge, we have met a couple of new girls from different colleges and places such Russia. We blended with each other, but to tell you the truth I didn't warm up to any of them. I dunno why, but me, Mariam and Zainab couldn't swallow their attitudes. there was also a couple of male students. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm a racist or have something against them, but they were obnoxious too and we couldn't befriend them or even blend in a professional way. A9ln the situation was a bit weird and kinda uncomfortable. Because we -the girls- over numbered them by far. We were like 17-18 girls against 3 boys!!!! So when we were devided into 4 teams, there was 1 male in each group. At first, the air was filled with awkwardness and we kept asking our selves whether we should befriend the poor guy or not? how should we act? Should we include him in our small talks or discussions? .. it was really awkward. But then, he seemed to be so .. mmm.. what's the word?! huhh (cold) and one can also see a glimpse of arrogance in him. So we decided to semi ignore the guy. Whenever he seemed interested, he was welcome to join our small talks. Sometimes he seemed reluctant with a glimpse of shyness and other times he seemed totally the opposite - y3ny faj2atn yed5ol 3ar9' o yel98 feeky bdaraja mo 6abee3eyya!!!!.

One small thing I loved about this training is that I felt like I was spending my time in something useful instead of just being asleep for 12 hours or watching movies or TV shows 24\7. Believe me it gets boring at some point.

pshewww.. that was one long boring post. I wont blame you if you decide to stop reading and go. I just needed to get out of the routine I'm living every day and get my a** off the bed .. see you in another summer diary in sha'a Allah.





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HEAR AND FEEL THE LIFE

To all those who know me it's not a secret that I am that kind of person who likes and enjoys calming melodies of charming symphonies more than any type of music. I don't really like regular songs I mean the ones with singers. they are too loud for me. beside, sometimes I like to create my own scenario of a song. so listening to symphonies with out words does the job for me.

I like the feeling they leave in me..
serenity ..
peaceful ..
so light like I'm flying with the clouds ..
some times angry ..
and sometimes sad ..
nostalgic..
and sometimes happy..

I don't know.. but these feelings seem so strong whenever I listen to this piece of music.
and what makes it even more special to me is that somehow I feel like I'm drawn into another world, like I'm living in a parallel universe where I AM everything and everything is about ME!
including the ups and downs ..
the joy and sadness ..
the tears and smiles ..
strangely .. it feels like all the madness of life is emerged in this symphony!

simply .. all what it makes me feel .. is LIFE!!!

hope you like it as much as I do. enjoy your selves =)

MORNING GLORY

just in time .. when I needed something soothing to comfort my heart and take my mind off the so called "peadz" ..Eeekkhh!
I finally picked one of the movies I had long time on my HDD. and I'm happy that I picked

(MORNING GLORY)

oh my my .. what can I say. before I say anything I must point at that Rachel McAdams really did a great job in this movie. she was brilliant and I can't imagine someone else would fit in the role better than her. she looked so beautiful -as always- so convincing and so adorable. when she smiles, you can't help but to love her even when she grins. she played the character very well, which oddly enough I can see my self in! XD

now back to the movie .. mmm , I guess I can say it is that sort of movies with a simple story, good message, and a great deal of modest .. yes modest fun - because I hate senseless fun - which makes it a good movie to watch when you're feeling blue like I was.
I laughed without deliberately needing to pull out the laugh so I feel like I'm enjoying my time.
I really did enjoy every minute, the smile never left my lips =)

in short .. it's a MUST watch movie.
specially for you my Med07 buddies =)

awwww .. my mood is back neutral again. XD